


Holding On

by captnavenger



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Nightmares, Protective Steve, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-18
Updated: 2015-06-03
Packaged: 2018-03-22 16:30:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3735817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captnavenger/pseuds/captnavenger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A level 5 S.H.I.E.L.D.  Agent discovers how it is to live amongst The Avengers and friendships begin to develop.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nightmares

_Darkness. Shots were fired and then no sound was heard at all. It was all so quiet and it made me more afraid than I already was. Where the hell was I? I remembered fighting alongside Natasha and Clint and then all of a sudden, there was a total darkness before my eyes. There were so many questions that I needed answers of. What am I doing here? Where are Natasha and Clint? What happened? Those were some things that were circling through my mind. Suddenly a door opened in the room, where I found myself in, and the white light made my eyes squint._

_“So, Agent Turner,” a man with a low voice said. I looked up and I knew that I somehow recognised the man speaking. He was tall, muscular, had black hair and wore what seems to be the HYDRA symbol on his clothing. Then it hit me, the man used to be a S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent just like me but went to the dark side. Probably because he thought they had cookies. His name was Rumlow._

_“What do you want?” I asked carefully._

_“Well, since you infiltrated this base, I want to know why.” I didn’t say a thing; basically I didn’t want to give our mission away. That was a bad idea, because the next thing I knew Rumlow was holding his gun against my temple ready to shoot me in the head._

I woke up screaming, I was covered in sweat and I immediately looked around. I was relieved to see that it was my own room and not the dark one from my nightmare. All that happened three months ago when I had a mission to infiltrate a HYDRA base and compromise it and I was still dreaming about it. Would it ever stop?

I got out of bed and walked slowly towards the kitchen.

When I first became an Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. I had my own place, but then I got short on money and couldn’t afford it anymore. One time I had to deliver some documents to Mrs. Pepper Potts and needed to be in Stark Tower. Apparently it was known that my salary wasn’t the best and that I was looking for a new place to live in. Pepper said that she would ask Tony Stark if it was ok for me to stay here for a while.

“No, I mean it’s friendly, but you don’t have to do this. I don’t want to be some kind of bother.”

“You’re not and we can’t let you live on the streets, can we?” I shook my head and the next week I was living in the Tower.

I was craving for a glass of milk so I could go back to sleep easily. I got it out of the refrigerator and poured myself a glass. Suddenly I got this feeling I was being watched, my heart rate rose and I didn’t dare to look. But I wanted to know if there actually was someone in the room, so eventually I turned around and saw a shadow in the living room. I turned the light on and there was indeed someone sitting on the couch. I was relieved when I saw who it was.

“Bucky?”

“Oh hey there, doll! Why are you up?” he said with a sweet smile.

“I could ask you the same thing, actually.” With my glass of milk in my one hand, I sat next to him on the couch. I looked at Bucky and saw dark circles under his deep blue eyes. It seemed like he also hadn’t gotten the greatest night of his life. Considering he was an ex-assassin he probably got nightmares as well.

“Couldn’t sleep… Even though I try, I still get these nightmares.”

“I have nightmares too and it’s always the same thing over and over again.” Bucky looked at me like someone who knew exactly what I was going through. He took my hands in both his normal and metal hand. When the cold metal touched my hand, I shivered for a moment but I didn’t mind. Bucky looked me deep in the eyes, put a strand of hair behind my ear and I had to blush, which was pretty odd because normally I didn’t let my emotions take a hold of me.

“You know what helps me sometimes, Amelia?” I shook my head.

“I just read or I try figuring out new technology to distract my mind. But since you’re familiar with it, I don’t think that’ll help you,” Bucky said, scratching the back of his head. Suddenly I got an idea!

“Maybe I can help you figuring out that new technology. Maybe it’ll help me too… You know, to distract my mind.”

“That’s a great idea!” For an hour or so I helped Bucky get to know today’s technology and to my surprise he actually got the hang of it really quickly. I showed him how to use his phone that he got from Tony, how computers worked and how to watch movies nowadays. It was amazing to see his eyes glistening with joy at every new thing I showed him. Eventually I got tired, fell asleep on the couch and I didn’t notice Bucky putting a blanket on me before going to his own room.

The next morning I woke up because of people chattering in the kitchen next door. I yawned and went to get some breakfast, because I was starving! Everyone turned their heads when they saw me entering the large room and I have to say, I was quite intimidated.

“Why is everyone looking at me?” I said nervously.

“Bucky told me that you were having nightmares,” Steve told me, of course Bucky had told his best friend. But I wasn’t so happy that everyone else knew about it, because I thought that they would begin to pity me and that was the last thing I wanted. I hated it when people thought I was weak.

“Just wanted to tell you that you can always talk to me about it if you want.”

“Thank you, Steve. I appreciate that.” I gave him a weak smile.

“Do not worry, little Midgardian! We in Asgard have the perfect solution to cure your devilish nightmares,” Thor said. I poured myself a bowl of cereal before joining the rest of the Avengers at the dining table. Thor told me all about his Asgardian cure for nightmares, Clint had to hold his laugh and Natasha rolled her eyes occasionally. It made me smile and I actually felt like I had a family that I finally could trust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first fan fiction in English! So bare with me, because English isn't my native language. It's possible that there are still some mistakes :)


	2. The Mission

As I was pouring myself a second bowl of cereal, Steve came up to me to get himself some coffee. I looked up and smiled at him.

“Hey, are you okay? I know from my own experience that having nightmares can affect your mental health,” he said, leaning against the counter while holding his mug with hot coffee.

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just that I’m so tired of having them, you know.” Steve nodded and before we returned to our place, he hugged me with one arm.

“Everything’s going to be okay.”

I listened to the other’s conversations, while I was eating my breakfast. In the morning I don’t usually like to talk, because I have the intention to be really groggy. When I met all the members of the Avengers for the first time, I told them that whenever I would see them in the morning, they’d have to be careful with me. So, I just sat there finishing the cereal and listening to all the conversations. I would chuckle when someone said something I thought was funny.

“Sir, Agent Coulson is here,” a voice suddenly said. It was Jarvis, the intelligent interface/computer of Tony Stark.

“Jarvis, not now. We’re having breakfast.”

“Agent Coulson insists, said it’s important.” Tony sighed, rolled with his eyes and said it was okay that Coulson would come up to the dining room. Then it struck me: wasn’t Agent Coulson supposed to be dead? I nudged Steve so he would lean in.

“Agent Coulson… Isn’t he actually dead? I mean Loki killed him, didn’t he? How come he’s still alive?” I probably asked too many questions at once, but I really needed some answers.

“Didn’t S.H.I.E.L.D. tell you?”

“Nope, S.H.I.E.L.D. doesn’t like to kiss and tell and certainly not to agents who aren’t qualified enough. I’m only a level 5 Agent and Coulson is a level 8, so I don’t normally know what other levels get up to. And blah di blah…””

“Well, let’s just say that Director Fury faked Coulson’s death and…”

“WHAT?? HOW DID HE FAKE COULSON’S DEATH?” I basically screamed and the whole Avengers team must have thought that I was some kind of a lunatic, including Agent Coulson who was already standing there in the room holding this big briefcase. I turned around and my face immediately turned bright red.

“Um I’m sorry, Agent Coulson. I didn’t…”

“It’s fine, Tahiti is a magical place.” He gave me a weak smile and turned his attention to the others. Coulson placed the briefcase on the table, opened it and a whole bunch of paperwork piled out. He also got a tablet out of it and placed it in the middle of the dining table. Suddenly he was aware that Bucky and me were still in the room and asked nicely if we could leave it, so he could inform the Avengers of their new mission. I was confused, because sometimes I got to know what everyone was assigned to do. But maybe this mission was oh so classified that I couldn’t know a thing, which kind of bothered me. I was this kind of person, who liked to know everything that was happening around them.

Bucky and I went back to the living room; I sat down on the couch and sighed. I seriously hated not knowing things.

“What’s wrong?” Bucky asked, concern in his eyes.

“Nothing, don’t worry. I’m just still tired from last night and look at me,” I was pointing at my clothes I was wearing, “I’m still in my pyjamas. I should probably hop into the shower and get ready.” This made Bucky laugh and because his laughter was contagious, I started laughing as well. Every time I talked to Bucky, he made me feel at ease just as though nothing could harm us. He spoke so softly when he was talking as if he was constantly singing lullabies. I’d close my eyes for a second listening to only his voice and feel so blissful. James was his real name, but he preferred me calling him Bucky just like Steve does. The others on the other hand only called him by his real name, so I had this feeling I must have a special place in Bucky’s heart. He was definitely special, because he was like an older brother to me. Even though I was only living in Stark Tower for nearly a year, Bucky had always been really caring and making me feel at home. He said that the other Avengers had been very welcoming and that he wanted to make me feel exactly the same.

“It has been a pleasure to see you, Son of Coul!” I heard Thor say on his way out and the others followed. Apparently they had no time to loose, because they didn’t even say goodbye to Bucky and me. Coulson was the only one, who was left and he now turned his attention to us both.

“Agent Turner, I hope you know why you weren’t allowed to stay at the briefing.”

“Yeah, I’m only a level 5 Agent and that kind of stuff.” I knew for certain that I could’ve been of use with my hacking skills, but because I wasn’t qualified enough I couldn’t show off these skills.

“That too, but the main reason was that you actually haven’t seen field combat and after a great deal of thought together with Director Fury, we think you are now ready for that.” Coulson explained. I couldn’t believe my ears… I was actually going to be on the field to research and stuff?

“Oh, that’s great!” I said a bit too enthusiastic, “I mean, it is one of my dreams to fight for what is right.”

“Amelia, you just sound like Steve,” Bucky said, winking at me. Agent Coulson informed me that I was to get a combat instructor and that I had training every other day, starting today. Bucky was then asked to follow Coulson to go to his weekly therapy session and I was left alone. This was the perfect timing to get a shower, so I went to my own bathroom and let the tap run. I undressed, looked at myself in the mirror and saw huge black circles under my eyes. I hoped that these nightmares would stop soon, because otherwise it would definitely affect my health like Steve told me. I stepped in the shower and let the hot water wash away the tiredness of my skin. After half an hour or so I got dressed, brushed my teeth and towel-dried my hair. When I got out of the bathroom there was someone standing in my bedroom.

“Hello, Agent Turner. I’m Agent Emma Smith and I’m your combat instructor.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it :) and a special thanks to one of my best friends Pino, who's an amazing beta <3


	3. Workout

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for my late update, but I'm currently studying for my exams so I don't really have to time to focus on my story. But when my exams are over, I promise I'll write a lot :)

The both of us, Agent Smith and myself, were on our way to the training facility of the Avengers Tower. I had been living here for about one year now, I still didn’t know that there was some kind of gym and I probably didn’t know about a lot of other places either. I always thought Steve went out when he wanted to work out.

“Training facility,” Smith said, while we were standing in the elevator.

“Confirmed.” We went three stories down, went through a couple of hallways and finally we arrived at our destination. I remembered that I didn’t bring any clothing fit to train, but Smith said that I could definitely borrow some of the ones hanging in the lockers.

The gym facility was very big, but then again what wasn’t in the tower? I looked around and saw a lot of fitness equipment such as several treadmills, bikes and so on.

“So this is where Steve works out.”

“What did you say?”

“Oh, nothing. Just talking to myself,” I said. Agent Smith gave me this look and she probably thought that I was a weird kid. There also was a separate space where you could do yoga and that’s where we were headed. She threw her own stuff in a random corner, returned to me with some tape and took my left hand. She then started wrapping my hand and I looked at her with a confused look.

“What are you doing?”

“Do you want an injury or something?” I shook my head no. “This protects you, so let me do this.” I let the Ice Queen wrap me up and I was ready for my training.

The first thing Agent Smith taught me was to always defend myself by holding both hands close to my face. She told me that a good posture helped a lot as well.

“Okay, now punch me.”

“Wait, what?”

Smith rolled her eyes. “Just punch me already, I’m going to show you something.” I hesitated for a second and eventually tried to punch my instructor. But she was too quick, she already had me in a headlock and I couldn’t move or breathe at all. I really felt like a fish out of water. Smith let go of me and I needed a moment to get some air. Damn, if this was going to happen every training… After an hour or so of working out intensively, I was so exhausted that I was in need of another shower even though I had one two hours ago. Agent Smith told me that I wasn’t that bad, but that I certainly needed more training to be as good as Natasha. No kidding, she didn’t have to say that twice, I already knew I sucked in combat.

After my second shower of the day, I took my things and headed back to the living room. I checked my cell phone and saw that I had two missed calls from my mom. Shit, I hoped that it wasn’t something serious. The best thing to do, was calling her back and hoping for the best.

“Hey, mom! Sorry that I didn’t answer my phone, but I had combat training and my things were in the locker.”

“What? What do you need that for?”

“Don’t worry, I do this workout just in case. You never know what’ll happen, knowing the job I do. I want to be prepared.”

“Oh, okay… Say, does Mr Stark look after you and do you eat enough and how are you in general?” My mom knew what I did for a living, though I didn’t tell her everything. Ever since I was a child she always worried about me. One time when I was still in primary school, I was on a school trip and we were forty minutes late because there was a traffic jam. My mom had already called the school twice, but there was no reason at all to panic. When we finally arrived at school, my mom was one of the first parents to greet us and I saw that she had cried. Of course as a small child, I immediately thought she was hurt or something. Luckily for me, she told me that I didn’t have to worry. Then we walked home together, I told her about the trip and we made hot chocolate when we were home.

“Yes, yes and Tony isn’t my babysitter, mom. He only looks after himself, you know that.” I didn’t tell her about the nightmares I was having.

“Amelia, it’s been so long! When can I see you again?”

“Hmmm… I’ll see if I can stop by this Saturday. Then I can stay a weekend and we can catch up. Sound good?”

I heard my mom smile. “That sounds wonderful, sweetie. Let me know if you can, then I’ll make your favourite food.” I said that I would certainly text her and with that, she ended the call.

I got back to the living room, took my laptop and sat down on the couch. Trying to hack S.H.I.E.L.D. data was difficult even with my skills. Still, I was able to get to the overview of all the missions, so I searched for what could be the one. After about five minutes of scrolling through, what seems like a hundred missions, I found it. I clicked the link, but nothing showed up. If only I could override the file and then save it on my drive? “Access denied.” Aw, come on… Another thirty minutes passed and I didn’t get any wiser. Why was it so difficult? Normally I could hack into the S.H.I.E.L.D. server within fifteen minutes and now I couldn’t do anything. It annoyed me so much! I closed my laptop and decided that I would try again this evening or something like that.

Because I was so invested with this irritating little thing, I hadn’t noticed that Bucky had joined me on the couch. So, when I finally saw him my heart skipped a beat and I almost screamed.

“Damn, Buck… You scared me!” He gave me a weak smile and I immediately knew that his weekly therapy session didn’t turn out so well. I asked him what was wrong and he just shrugged.

“Look, you have every right to tell me nothing about it and just keep it to yourself. But know that I’m here for you and that you can always come to me for help.” I stood up, put my laptop on the coffee table and went in the direction of the kitchen to get some kind of snack.

Bucky sighed. “Wait… I wanna tell… Even though it’s pretty difficult for me.” I went back to my original seat and waited patiently on what Bucky was going to say.

“You know that I get nightmares almost every night,” I nodded, “Well, the shrink wanted me to go into more detail and I saw myself again as the Winter Soldier, killing innocent people. It was all too much for me to process and basically, I screamed.” He also told me that he really wanted to get rid of these memories, but that his mind was telling him that he couldn’t. His hands were trembling; I held them both in my hands so he knew that I was there for him. Eventually he was crying and I gave him a big hug that he deserved. That was the only thing I thought that was really helpful now in his situation.

Suddenly my cell phone zinged, I let go of Bucky and took it. It was a text message.

“Mission: report,” it said. Bucky dried his tears and asked me who it was. I hesitated and eventually said that it was only my mom asking me if I already knew that I was going to come over this weekend for certain. Luckily for me he believed my little lie and I felt relieved.

“Mission: tried to hack into server -> no result.” I texted back.


End file.
